When it comes to copying down any sort of apocryphal business rules, maxims, dictums or precepts, I like to say, perhaps unsurprisingly, that if you have found no rule of business that you want to follow, then invent one. So, together with a few other anonymous sayings, old saws, quips and proverbs (which, from time to time, I have picked up while going about my business), I have included a few of my own more humorous aphorisms here, as set out below. As solidly reliable rules go maybe they just miss the mark, or give it a glancing blow, but I place them here probably just to “spice up the mix” a bit, so to say. Perhaps in part I have done so simply as an object lesson on how not to go too far when trying to produce serious, useful or interesting aphorisms on subjects such as business, trading, commerce, salesmanship, bargaining, profit and loss, etc. But hopefully, in doing so anyway, they are nearly as amusing as those aphorisms (which I have already mentioned in a previous post) that were made up for the Rules of Acquisition of the Ferengi, if perhaps not so witty or well written.
Putting the more proverbial entries aside, the following business based aphorisms of mine are not in themselves just going to be another spurious attempt at writing rules, quirky add-ons to something I have actually attempted to address quite seriously already. They are also something more akin to proverbs, old saws, short apothegms, even wisdom-sayings—essentially introverted remarks with a twist of philosophical wit. And so this is how I look at these few short business orientated sentences of mine (which are in reality brief aphorisms) which I have written out here, and, as put together with the other more anonymous ones (they being mostly proverbial, traditional wisdom, folk-sayings or verbal cultural relics) is, perhaps, also done in homage to those of the Ferengi’s Rules of Acquisition, perhaps even in slight mockery of that whole cynically humorous genre; but whatever they are they are certainly not ever going to be so lucrative.
To me, these little snippets of business wisdom that are set out below have a sort of cheeky charm about them, and they also possess a naïve inventiveness that is at the heart of writing quirky, but well-meaning business advice. These brief little sentences just manage to do that, and in a very cantankerous way as well. But how relevant they would be in the real world is a matter of opinion, as they are highly subjective and, when it comes right down to it, probably simply rather trivial anyway. But still, in looking at this sort of humorous writing, as a branch of satire, or maybe of sly, underhand sophistry, it has managed to interest me enough to try my hand here at creating a few tongue-in-cheek aphorisms myself. Those entries below marked with an asterisk are generally considered to be proverbs, or are ones derived from common cultural sayings usually of a European origin; the rest are mine—products of my own acquisitive thoughts and imaginings, or are ones which I am particularly responsible for in some way.
Business aphorisms and proverbs.
Never panic, it’s bad for business.
*You can’t turn a profit by keeping your money in your wallet.
*When you send a fool to market, the merchants rejoice.
In every speculation, the riskier the route, the greater the profit.
*While the sand is yet on your feet, sell.
The only done deal is the one which has been and done.
*The pot that belongs to partners is neither hot nor cold.
*If you invest in a fever, your profit is a disease.
Profit justifies almost anything, if there’s a profit in it.
*Better a small profit at home than a large one abroad.
*If you invest a needle, you won’t win more than a needle.
There is no profit to be had by betraying anyone by mistake.
*Always go one better than the competition, or go one worse.
There is no profit in envy, but there is in empathy.
*At a great bargain, pause.
Always grasp a customer by his ears.
*When you buy, use your eyes as much as your ears.
Everything has a sell-by date attached to it.
*Bargaining has neither friends nor relations.
A binding contract is only as strong as its weakest loophole.
*Do not look at somebody else’s profit, look to your own.
One man’s economic downturn is another man’s updraft.
Never deal in cash if a promise will do instead.
*The best broker is cash.
Always bring enough money along with your offers.
*He who swells in prosperity will shrink in adversity.
Never attribute to bad luck what can be adequately explained by sheer stupidity.
*It’s easier to get into a business than to get out of it.
Never assume a competitor may be as crafty as you are, he may be craftier.
*It is not enough to aim at the mark; you must hit it.
*While the discreet advise, the fool does his business.
To look after your own business, keep it to yourself.
*Entrances are wide; exits are narrow.
For someone to succeed in business, somebody else must lose to the same extent.
*Eat and drink with your relatives; do business with strangers.
The busiest men have most leisure, but most businessmen tend to forget that.
*No one fouls his hands in his own business.
Beware of those bearing bribes that do not appear to be tax deductible.
*You get what you pay for, and you pay for what you get.
One man’s portable property can always become someone else’s ready merchandise.
You can buy whatever you want, but if you can’t afford it you can’t have it.
*Better sell for small profits than fail in business.
*Wilful waste makes woeful want.
*The worth of a thing is what it will bring.
Keep your ear to the ground and your eyes open.
*Fools rush in where wise men fear to trade.
Greed is only profitable when exploited with alacrity.
*You never lose money by making a profit.
*You don’t make big fortunes by peddling little things in the street.
If you’re not still in the race, then you’re out of the running.
*Pay what you owe, and what you’re worth you’ll know.